Thursday, November 10, 2011

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Once upon a time on a small farm in Texas


A man owned a small farm in Texas
The Manpower Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, ‘There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a beer for a Happy Hour every Friday.
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, Pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

Rick Perry campaign takes a light-hearted approach to damage control | The Ticket - Yahoo! News

Rick Perry campaign takes a light-hearted approach to damage control | The Ticket - Yahoo! News

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I Need A Raise

Employee:    Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
  Boss:            Sure, come on in.  What can I do for you?

 Employee:    Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this
 prestigious firm for over ten years.
 Boss:            Yes.

 Employee:    I won't beat around the bush.  Sir, I would like a raise. I
 currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
 Boss:   A raise?  I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

 Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn
    has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my
    hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
 Boss:   Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
    I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
     How does that sound?

 Employee:    Great!  It's a deal!  Thank you, sir!
 Boss:    Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

 Employee:    Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the
 Mortgage Company!

Monday, October 3, 2011

A Pharmacist Advice

A pharmacist told his new assistant to be polite to every customer that came in. "If you're stuck for conversation, talk about the weather," he advised.
 

When the pharmacist came back from having his dinner, the assistant was sporting a lovely black eye. "So much for your advice," moaned the assistant.
 

"What happened?" asked the pharmacist.
 

"Well, this woman came in for a packet of sanitary napkins. Trying to make conversation, I said that it looked like it was going
to be a dull weekend…" 

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Monday, September 26, 2011

Take Time To Pray

PRAY THIS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!! WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.

 You never know when God is going to bless you!! Good things happen when you least expect them to !!!!!!!!

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving  God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep  on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

 I ask now for Your forgiveness.  Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day  with a new attitude and plenty of  gratitude. Let me make the best of  each and every day to clear my mind so  that I can hear from You. Please  broaden my mind that I can accept all  things. Let me not whine and  whimper over things I have no control over.
And it's the best response  when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

  I know that when I can't pray, You  listen to my heart. Continue to  use me to do Your will. Continue to  bless me that I may be a blessing to  others. Keep me strong that I may  help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I  may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost  and can't find their way. I  pray for those that are misjudged and  misunderstood. I pray for those  who don't know You intimately. I pray for  those that will delete this  without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe.

 But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy  in their homes that they are out of debt and all their ! needs are met. I   pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is  in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it. THESE AND MANY OTHER BLESSING WE ASK IN YOUR SON JESUS CHRIST WE PRAY AMEN

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Sunday, September 25, 2011

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America withers as we watch


What a truly brutal election. One rare exception was the crushing of Texas Oil's Proposition 23 in California (see CREDO's campaign at stoptexasoil.org), which proves that even unlimited corporate cash can be beaten back — if it is disclosed and fought by grassroots mobilization.
At CREDO, we fight hard on the issues, but we don't take sides in partisan elections. As someone who cares about progressive issues, there is no doubt that Tuesday's results will make for even harder times for our country. It is crazy making to realize just how extreme and misinformed much of the new Congress will be.
There is little reason to expect any useful legislation from the Tea Party-dominated House or the dysfunctional Senate. Swing votes in the Senate have really troublesome names: Lieberman, Nelson, Manchin, and Pryor. In fact, this Congress will do damage to anything even remotely progressive.
So let's take a look at what happened and what we can do now. Bear with us as this is a bit longer than our usual missives. The media, unfortunately but not surprisingly, will be of no use in making sense of Tuesday's results, and even less so in helping chart a course for the future.
There is a lot of evidence that the state of the economy, and employment in particular, drive the results of elections — and this one was no exception. As the saying goes, "If you think the economy is working, ask someone who isn't." We have an economy stuck in a deep ditch, with corporate profits and bank bonuses soaring while long-term unemployment is at near Depression levels.
The Republicans shrunk the first "stimulus" package and filled it with tax breaks, even as corporate Democrats helped them along, blocking any effort to restructure mortgages in bankruptcies, freeze foreclosures or force banks to lend money. The election outcome was partially baked in early 2009, when the White House preemptively conceded on the scale and provisions of the stimulus package and chose to coddle the banks. To watch this unfold was simply maddening.
Making matters worse were other factors. Among the most damaging were the actions of the conservative majority on the Supreme Court, which seemed energized by the new President, and took the radical step of rehearing a campaign finance case — now known forever as Citizens United. In ruling 5-4 that corporations have the right to spend unlimited amounts of money for and against candidates, the Court transformed the electoral landscape in a way potentially more profound than its 5-4 ruling that seated George W. Bush as president. As many predicted, the Citizens United ruling unleashed the greatest wave of corporate spending in history, though it's a safe bet to say that their spending in 2012 will make this year's outlay look modest.
In an astonishing turn of events, the right wing was able to kill — essentially murder in public view — the organization that registered millions of poor and working class African-American and Hispanic voters in the last six years. I am speaking of ACORN, of course. By editing video completely out of context, and using the right-wing media machine to perfection, Andrew Breitbart was able to convince the mainstream media and eventually Congress, that ACORN was an election-stealing organization that had no qualms giving advice to pimps on how to increase revenues. Fulfilling Karl Rove's wildest dreams, Congress, including most Democrats, voted to block public funding for any of ACORN's laudable and effective housing or tax assistance programs, and ACORN died a quiet death. There would be no millions of new registrants.
Traditions are important in the Senate, but almost always to the detriment of progressive change. The health care reform effort was a victim of Senate conventions. Sen. Max Baucus of Montana, who chairs the critical Senate Finance Committee solely due to his long tenure, stalled development of a health reform package for many months in order to "negotiate" with Republicans on his committee. They weren't interested in the least, and walked away from the discussions muttering bizarre comments about reforms "killing grandma" and setting up "death panels," because Sarah Palin says so. The behavior of Baucus would be laughable if it were not so utterly destructive.
No matter what one thought of FOX News in the 2008 election, Murdoch's monster went on a rampage over the past two years. Serving as both an instigator and an amplifier for the craziest and most offensive pundits, FOX News misled and misinformed the American people on every issue, and effectively became the public face of the Republican Party. Glenn Beck's show became so toxic and spewed so much venom that one of his devoted fans took it upon himself to plot the execution of key leaders of the Tides Foundation and the ACLU, who had figured prominently in Beck's rants. Fortunately, the madman (the fan, not Beck) was stopped before he accomplished his mission.
We could go on, of course, on all the missed opportunities, the cave-ins, the sell outs, and the unpopular and misguided war in Afghanistan.
But the results are in. The House of Representatives is in the hands of the most corrupt Speaker-in-waiting ever, the Tea Party is ascendant, and the U.S. Senate, however dysfunctional it has been, is poised to be much worse.
For those of us who had hopes that the Obama Administration could seize the moment and enact popular progressive changes, this is a bitter pill. And like many, we grieve at the lost opportunities.
But now we need to brush off the dust, suck it up, and plunge back into substantive fights. Politics is not fair — indeed, U.S. elections are rigged in profound ways! But walking away is not an option at CREDO Action, and we hope you will join us in some of the actions below we think are strategic in the new political landscape:
1. Commit to Taking Down FOX News. So long as FOX News has any credibility within the Beltway, it will be a pipeline for malicious material that will poison our political culture. Join our friends at Color of Change: turnofffox.org/landing?credo.
2.Tell the Senate to pass the DISCLOSE Act during the lame duck session. We were able to defeat the Texas Oil Initiative, Prop 23 in California, in part because we knew who the enemy was — having disclosure of corporate contributions brings the enemy out in the open for us to take on and fight. The DISCLOSE Act passed the House and came within a single vote of passing the Senate. One vote. You can join this fight by taking action with Public Citizen at citizen.org/disclose-act-action.
3. Keep fighting to end the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. This issue will get resolved during the lame duck session. Take action at act.credoaction.com/campaign/bushtaxcuts.
4. Sign up for the fight for a constitutional amendment to reverse the Citizens United decision by declaring that corporations do not have the legal rights of humans. This may take years, if not decades, but we should start now. Please join Free Speech for People: freespeechforpeople.org/.
5. Tell the FCC to use its existing authority to establish and defend net neutrality. Our friends at Free Press are leading this charge: act2.freepress.net/sign/put_up/.
6. Demand that the Department of Justice and the Internal Revenue Service investigate the political organizations set up by Karl Rove to launder millions of dollars in secret cash to change the outcome of elections. Act now at act.credoaction.com/campaign/investigate_crossroads.
7. Defend the EPA from castration by pro-coal interests in Congress. The EPA accomplished almost nothing during the Clinton years because the Gingrich-led Congress used the budget process to prohibit the agency from doing its work. This battle has already started. The Sierra Club's Beyond Coal campaign is a great way to join this fight: sierraclub.org/coal.
8. Convince the Obama administration to stop appealing progressive court rulings on matters like the Defense of Marriage Act, Don't Ask Don't Tell, and the state secrets defense against torture and wiretapping. Urge the Department of Justice to change its approach at act.credoaction.com/campaign/stop_appealing.
9. Urge Democratic senators to do away with lifetime tenure for committee chairs and open up all chair positions to majority vote elections. This will go a long way towards more progressive legislation. Take action with us at act.credoaction.com/campaign/end_seniority_system.
10. Demand that the Department of Justice enforce the provisions of the national voter registration law that require state governments to offer to register all voters at departments of public welfare and motor vehicles. Many state governments simply ignore these requirements and this is a cheaper and more inclusive way of registering voters than the campaigns of the now dead ACORN. Urge Attorney General Eric Holder to expand voter registration: credoaction.com/campaign/enforce_motor_voter.
I suspect you are angry and exhausted at this point. I know I am. But let us not forget that the values and ideals we fight for are greater than any one election. They still endure, and so must our fight. We have a lot of work to do.
Michael Kieschnick, CEO
CREDO Action from Working Assets

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Friday, September 23, 2011

ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

INTERESTING!

Is the 5th number in your social security number odd or even?
________________________________
Mine is even. and I bet yours is too.!!!!!

INTERESTING!!! CHECK IT OUT.
_______________________________
IS THE 5TH NUMBER IN YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER ODD OR EVEN?

Have you heard about African Americans Social Security numbers, and the 5th digit of your SSN?
Supposedly, if you are African American or a minority, the 5th digit in your SSN is even and odd if you are white!

It has been said if you take a poll, most African Americans will have an even 5th digit. Rumor has it, some companies are looking at potential employees' SSN to discriminate. Why not send this email to every African American and Minority that you know!

I'm sending this to everyone I know. Mine was even, what's yours?

TAVIS SMILEY

A TRUE STORY

FW: Seeing Beyond our Perceptions

TO: 1 recipient
Show Details

Message body



Seeing beyond Your Perceptions
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit,  stepped off the train in Boston,  and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard & probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

 "We'd like to see the president," the man said softly.

 "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

 "We'll wait," the lady replied.

 For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.

 "Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave,"  she said to him!

 He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

 The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked. "Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

 "Oh, no,"  the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."

 The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building!  Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs?  We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

 For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own? "
 Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

 Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no  longer cared about.

 You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

A TRUE STORY by Malcolm Forbes

People will forget what you said;

People will forget what you did.

But people will never forget how you made them feel.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Activists Missing After Declaring “War on Leather” at Motorcycle Rally

Activists Missing After Declaring “War on Leather” at Motorcycle Rally

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.
“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”
The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.
“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”
“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, ‘You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”
Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.
“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”
When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Snow Storm

 One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ............ ......... .....'
Then the power dies.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Norm, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?'
With the love and understanding in his voice that some men who have been married for years exhibit, Norman says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'

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Sunday, September 4, 2011

The New Face Life



A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

Get That Juice

Some women don't know how to orgasm, while others need little more than a whisper in order to reach orgasmic heights. And then there are the others -- those women who have the capability to squirt their juices all over the bed, the floor, or even you.

Although we'd like to believe that every woman is capable of reaching
such heights of sexual ecstasy, unfortunately, there are many women out there who disagree. And if they're not willing to open their minds to the idea of ejaculating, then that's their prerogative.

Nevertheless, if you've got yourself a woman who is very sexually in
tune with herself, and would be willing to let you manipulate her vagina until she ejaculated all over you, then today's tip is going to leave you soaking wet.

Before she starts squirting

A woman's ejaculate is expelled from the urethra, the same place where
urine comes out from. And although studies have found that the clear
liquid is not urine at all (the juice is released from the Skene's
glands, or urethral sponge), if your girl doesn't have complete control over her PC (pubococcygeus) muscle, there is a chance that she may actually pee all over you.

If this does end up happening, be cool about it. Think about it; it's
normal for her to feel as though she's about to urinate when she's about to ejaculate. If she tries to hold it in, she won't ejaculate; she has to let go. If she does end up urinating, and you trip out on her, she'll never try this again. Enjoy the golden shower, and don't freak out.

Let her go with it; eventually she'll learn the difference between the
sensations. And although you can manipulate her vagina all you like, if your woman is inhibited, then chances are she won't be able to reach this pinnacle of sexual satisfaction. She may even get annoyed by the feeling, so make sure she wants it.

OK, so she wants it. If you're about ready to start seeking the liquids, read on to find out what you have to do.

Use your fingers
While there are some women who can ejaculate through clitoral
stimulation, or through other sex play (penile penetration or even
breast-sucking) , the most effective way to achieve this outcome is
through G-spot manipulation with your hands.

She'll be soaking you in no time...

Obviously, we're not implying that you should head directly for the
G-spot. Start out with some foreplay and lick her clitoris first -- get her "pumped," so to speak. Once she begins to get excited, insert two fingers inside her vagina, palms facing up. But don't stop licking her clitoris (unless, of course, you can't do two things at a time).

About an inch or two inside the vagina, you will likely hit a round ball of skin -- that's the G-spot. Keep stroking the area with pressure; it may start to become more solid; just keep doing what you're doing.

Tip: Use your other hand to gently press down on the area between her
navel and her mons pubis (her pubic mound) for increased stimulation.

If she tells you that she feels like she's about to urinate, assure her that it's near impossible for her to pee and that she should just let go. Although her instincts may be to hold back, reassure her with
encouraging words like, "Oh yeah, I can't wait for you to drench my
hands."

As she begins to reach orgasm and starts to ejaculate, prepare yourself to either be greeted by a light gushing liquid or an actual drenching spray. Both are normal and the amount of liquid can reach anywhere from a teaspoon to a cup. Have some towels handy.

After she gushes like crazy, chances are she'll want a break because her vagina might become extremely sensitive (think of the head of your penis after you ejaculate). So, don't go for a second round right away unless you get the distinct impression that she's ready for more.

Keep getting the goods
Achieving the almighty squirt may not be as simple as described above;
it may take some experimentation, persuasion and different positions. As well, you may want to try stimulating other parts of her body while you head inside.

For example, have her lie down on the bed, face up, and kneel next to
her (your body should be facing her belly button). While your fingers
are stimulating her G-spot, use your other hand and your mouth to
manipulate her nipples.

As well, you could also opt to rotate between penile penetration and
finger penetration in the doggy style position.

And, of course, there are women who can ejaculate through sex alone, so place her on a surface where her vagina easily meets your penis and
penetrate her, making sure only your penis connects your bodies.

And if all else fails, you can always call on a vibrator to help your
woman get in touch with her juicier side.

Keep on simulating
Every woman has the ability to reach incredible heights of orgasm. It's up to you to convince her to let go of her inhibitions and squirt all over you.

Until next time, get that juice.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Smart Men Think



One truck driver was doing his usual load delivery at a mental hospital, by parking his vehicle beside an open drain.

He discovered a flat Tyre when he was about to return from the mental hospital. He jacked up the truck and removed the flat Tyre to fix the spare Tyre.

When he was about to fix the spare Tyre, he accidentally dropped all the four bolts in the open drain.

As he cannot fish the bolts in the open drain, he started to panic as to what should be done?

Just then, one patient happened to walk past him and asked the driver as to why he was looking troubled.

The driver thought to himself, since there is nothing much he can do or this mental joker can. Just to keep the bugging away, the truck driver informed the whole episode to the mental patient and gave a helpless look.

The patient just laughed at the truck driver and said you just cannot even fix such a simple problem? No wonder you are destined to remain a truck driver for life.

The truck driver was astonished to hear such a compliment from a mental guy.

Here is what you can do said the mental guy.

Take one bolt from each of the remaining three Tyre's/wheels and fix it on to this Tyre. Then drive down to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Isn't it simple my friend!!!!

The truck driver was so impressed with this quick fix answer and asked the patient, how come you are so smart and intelligent and you are here at the mental hospital?

The patient replied...hello friend! I stay here because I am crazy but not stupid.

No wonder, there are some people, who behave like the Truck Driver, thinking that others are just stupid. So, guys, though you all are learned and wise, but, just watch out, there could be some CRAZY guys in our professional / personal lives, who could give us lot of quick fixes and brush our wisdom.

The moral of the story is - Just do not conclude that you know everything and do not judge people by mere looks/attire stature or academic background.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Two Blondes With Hammers



Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

Three Old Geezers


Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."
The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne and what? Ulcers... I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"

The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

BLOND WOMAN AMY VS MONSTER COCK




BLOND WOMAN AMY VS MONSTER COCK


Amy and I have known each other for several years. But only recently has she begun working in the office where I work. She has a friendly outgoing personality, always greeting everyone with a friendly "Hello!" and a beautiful smile. On several occasions we've had opportunity for friendly conversation which almost always includes comments which can be taken with a sexual connotation. Some times I think there may be a little interest on her part but I've not taken any steps to find out because it might be just innocent flirting. She generally is pretty conservative in her dress, but has a few outfits that rev eal her physical assets and cause me to loose my concentration every time she walks by. Enough! Let's get on to my fantasy. It begins like this. This particular day Amy is wearing this sexy one piece jump suit that catches my eye every time she passes by or enters my office. Several times through out the day I find myself thinking about what it would be like to bed her down and finding it hard to hide my hardon. We both end up working late. Amy typing, filing, and answering the phone. Trying to keep ahead of the paper work. Me working on many of the engineering details that go into many of the projects that I am involved in. Everyone else has gone for the day so we are by ourselves. Amy passes my office again on the way to do some more filing. I glance up and she smiles at me. The fabric of her jump suit enhances the cure of her breasts and ass. I'd looked at that ass coming and going seeing the outline of her bikini panties many times today. I think that the absence of pantie lines is sexier but what the hay an ass covered with lace panties is sexy too. Well I just can't take it any more. I get up from my desk and follow her into the other office. As I walk down the hall I have to adjust the angle of my cock in my pants because it was bent over in the middle and very uncomfortable.
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Amy is standing in front of one of the file cabinets putting files into the top drawer. As I enter the office she turns and smiles at me but contin ues to put files away. I step up behind her slipping my arms around her. One around her waist and the other I slip up and cup her breast with my hand. Pressing my hard tool between the cheeks of her ass I expect her to scream and slap my face. I also fig ured it would be the end of my job for making sexual advances. The way my balls ached I didn't care. I needed a good fuck and thought nothing ventured nothing gained. Man was I surprised!! Instead of turning around and slapping my face she pressed her ass even harder against my iron hard cock and moaned as I felt her nipple harden against the palm of my hand. With that encouragement I continued to lightly squeeze her breast and pinch her nipple. My other hand slid toward that mound at the junction of her slender legs. When my hand reached her love mound I pressed my fingers into her fabric covered slit. There I received my second surprise. I felt the dampness of her arousal that had already soaked through and the warmth of her hot pussy. Amy softly moaned again as she alternated pressing her ass against my tool and cunt against my hand. My cock ached to have release so I turned her around and brought my lips to hers driving my tongue into her mouth. I continued to caress her breast and I pressed my love tool against her. Her nipples stood out against the cloth that covered her tits burning hard against the palm of my hand and the small damp spot between her legs grew larger. There we stood in that small office humping against each other like two animals in heat. I reached behind her, pulled down the zipper of her jump suit and unhooked her bra. As I pulled the material off her shoulders revealing those hard upturned nipples she said, "Jim we shouldn't be doing this." I said, "Baby, I need you. My cock aches for you. Feel how hard it is." With that I felt her reach for my long hard shaft. I cupped Amy's naked breasts and tweaked her nipples as she squeezed the length of my cock through my pants. I almost came right then and there. My mind almost refuses to believe that Amy, with her short blond hair, green eyes and model's figure and I were together like this. I began to plant kisses on her neck and upper chest working my way to her pert breasts and hot nipples. All the while she is rubbing the length of my bursting cock. As my lips touched her nipple she moaned, "Oh, Suck iiittttttt." and I did just that.

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Sucking that hard hot bud between my lips I gently scraped it with my teeth. Amy pressed me harder against her tit pushing more of it into my mouth. I eagerly sucked it in tonguing that hard but ton at the same time. Switching tits I gave the other one similar treatment. Amy was no silent lover. All the time animalistic sounds came from deep in her throat. I licked her breasts and sucked her nipples for some time. Amy just got hotter and hotter. She pressed down on my head which I took as a cue to move a little lower. As I licked my way lower I peeled the jump suit from her body. I reached her navel and pushed my tongue into that indenta tion. Giving her a hint of what was yet to come. As I licked her navel making fucking motions with my tongue I pushed the jump suit to the floor revealing the panties which covered her love hole. Hooking my fingers into the waistband I stripped them from her. Here she was before me totally naked. I could now smell the odor of her arousal. It made my cock throb all the more. Never had my cock felt so hard or hurt so much from arousal. I continued my assault on her navel but my fingers explored the dark fur that covered her love mound. Amy stepped out of the pile of clothes at her feet and opened her legs slightly to allow my fingers to move closer to her most secret place. She shuddered as my fingertips reached and slid across the outer lips of her hot love hole. I gently pushed one of my fingers into her not knowing how tight she would be and not wanting to hurt her. It slip in easily only dew to the dampness that lubricated her. My tongue and finger both made fucking motions bringing her even closer to her first orgasm. She spread her legs wider to allow me more freedom in my move ments. I pressed my thumb against her clit which was not hard to find as it stood erect and peeked from between her cunt lips. The instant my thumb touched that hot bud she had her first orgasm. It started as a low growl in her throat but ended with the walls of her cunt gripping my finger. I knew that this fuck was going to be the best that I had ever had. I took her to the desk where we pushed everything onto the floor. As she perched her ass on the desk I stood before her. Together we stripped my clothes from me. She let out a gasp of surprise as she got her first glimpse of my love tool. She prov ably would have laughed had she seen it in its flaccid state. Because sometimes it is as short as 2 inches. But turned on as I was it had reached its full 7 1/2 inches in length and was nearly the six inches around, well above the average. I figured that she didn't expect a cock that big on a guy only five foot six. I stepped between her legs and my long hot dick poked her in the abdomen. Looking into my eyes she reached for it her small hand not even able to go all the way around. The cum boiled in my balls as she stroked the skin of my cock back and forth. I felt like a teenager getting my first piece of ass. I was ready to blow my load and hadn't even gotten close to soaking my joint in her hot love tunnel. I gently extricated my cock from her hand and gently laid her down on the desk. This allowed my aching cock to cool a little so that I wouldn't be embarrassed by blowing my cork like a young kid. But it also gave me a chance to get another looked at what I was about to enjoy and hoped that she would enjoy too. The fur on her mound did not hide the puffy dark pink lips of her slit. I knelt between her legs to get a closer look at every mans wet dream. I began to plant kisses on her soft thighs. Kissing and licking my way toward my goal caused her to moan with want. She placed her hands on my head and at first she seemed to keep me from putting my lips against hers. But after a short time just the opposite happened and she was pulling me even closer. Finally I pushed he legs up and back toward her shoulders. This caused the pink lips of her sex to open like a blossoming rose inviting me to continue my quest to taste that honey nectar and bring her to yet another orgasm. I put my thumbs on either side of her slit opening it even more. As I leaned toward my goal I could see that she was more that ready for anything that I had in mind. The wet ness flowed from her honey hole and puddled at the bottom of that opening. Her sexual odor reached my nostrils and I could wait no more. I put my mouth on her cunt and sucked her love juices from her. She came almost instantly and I could feel the walls of her pussy contract on my tongue as I pushed it into her. An orgasmic scream came from deep in her throat. Her second orgasm subsided but I was not through. I wanted her to remember this meeting for a long time. I stroked my tongue from the bottom of her slit all the way to the top. As I reached the top, my tongue caressed her clit which stuck out like a small erect penis, she gasped and shuddered at that touch. I brought her to two more orgasms by alternately sucking and licking her clit. I knew she could have gone on for some time, but my cock again hurt from a need for release. I stood an pointed my long fat tool toward her hot hole. She wrapped her hand around my deep veined cock and said in a husky lust filled voice, "Please fuck me, but don't hurt me. Your cock is so big." As I leaned toward her she guided my iron rod into her. The head of my dick touched that hot wet tunnel and I wanted to drive every inch into her on the first thrust. But the feel of her hand guiding me reminded me of her plea for tenderness so I was able to hold back pushing only the red knob of my cock head into her. She moaned as our sex organs became one. As I pushed more and more of my meat into her hot cunt she raised her ass from the desk taking everything I had. Once our pubic hairs entwined and my heavy balls laid against her ass she released the breath she was holding. I slowly pulled my cock out of her and the lips of her cunt clung to my tool stretch ing as her hot hole slowly gave up my meat. I began to push back in just as my tool reached the mouth of her cunt. Long slow strokes. With every in stroke Amy raised her ass to meet my thrusts. As she became accustomed to my size she pushed up with even more force and I pushed into her even harder forcing her ass back to the desk top with each thrust, my balls slapping her ass as I hit bottom. Finally I could hold out no longer.

With one final lunge I buried my burning shaft into her. My cum boiled in my balls. As she felt my cock expand and contract with my orgasm she too came with the strongest orgasm yet. I could feel the walls of her hole squeeze me as her cunt milked my tool. My cum boiled in her adding heat to the fire which melted my cock. I collapsed on her heaving breasts from the force of our orgasm. Finally my soft tool slipped from her. We dressed and straightened the office hoping that we left no evidence of our act. That's my fantasy. I don't know if Amy and I will ever ful fill it but I often think of this and my may other fantasies with Amy as I stroke my cock. It seems to be the only release that I get these days. Perhaps soon I write down some of my other fanta sies about Amy and me and share them wit you. As I promised here is another one of my fantasies about Amy and me. After our last session Amy is even more friendly when no one else is around. I also think that she has quit wearing panties because I don't see any pantie lines any more and some times I even wonder if she is wearing a bra. Like today. Amy is wearing a grey woman's suit with a blue and black stripped silk blouse the front of which seems to move around a little more than usual. Its hard to tell since the suit jacket hides her nipples which would show were she not wearing a bra. Amy is in a playful mood today. Joking with everyone. We had some time during lunch for some conversation. She usually eats lunch out but didn't today because she had some extra work to do. Some of the remarks she made would almost make a sailor blush. At least it did her and me. We both end up working late again. "This is getting to be a habit," I said. Amy just laughed and said, "We had better be careful or people will start talking." As if they already hadn't, at least about Amy. I am surprised when she says to me, "How about coming to my place after work for a drink?" I said, "Sure. We'll take your car and leave mine here. That way no one will see it at your place." So we lock up the place and head toward her apartment. When we arrive Amy says, "Why don't you kick your shoes off while I go get comfortable." So I do and prop my feet up on the coffee table. She calls from the other room, "What would you like to drink?" "Got any hard stuff?" I answer. "I can mix us up something. I'll surprise you.", was her response. Well you could have you could have knocked me over with a feather when she came back into the room with our drinks. She definitely got comfortable. Amy was wearing this almost transparent top and a pair of short shorts. There was no question of what she was wearing under the top or shorts. That was NOTHING! Her nipples were hard and strained against the fabric of the top and the crotch of her shorts dug into her cunt showing the bulge of pussy lips and crease of her cunt slit. She hands my one of the drinks and says, "How do you like it?" I must have been starring at her breasts because I almost spit the drink and could just stammer, "Iiiits great." Amy laughs and says, "No, I mean the drink." Of course I hadn't even tasted the drink yet. We both laugh. She sits next to next to me and we sip the drinks and talk about work, life, etc. The drink has its desired effect. We both begin to relax, except my cock. The longer I looked at Amy's nipples making little bumps in the front of that top and felt the heat of her body near mine, the harder and harder my tool got. And pretty damned uncomfortable. An erect 7 1/2 cock doesn't fit very well in a tight pair of pants. Especially if it's bent in the middle. I put my arm on the back of the couch and she slides close. Her breast is now pressed against my side. The drink must have had the same effect on her as it had on me. I glance toward her crotch and it looked as though a wet spot was forming where the shorts disappeared between her legs.

I got so uncomfortable that I just had to adjust the position of my cock. I sat my empty drink glass down and tried not to be to obvious about moving my dick around in my pants. As I reached for it she must have know what I was going to do because she got there first and said, "Let me help. That must sure be uncomfortable." When she didn't take her hand away I knew this was going to be another fantastic fuck session. Of course my cock only got harder and began to ache as she rubbed it through the material of my pants. I leaned toward her and pulled her to me. Our lips met in the most passionate kiss I think I've ever had. Her tongue found mine. My free hand found her breast. Amy moaned as I gently lifted it and pressed my thumb against the hard nipple. We spent some time enjoying the pleasure of the kisses and caresses. Soon I slid my hand under her top. I wanted to feel the soft flesh of her firm breast against my skin and the hot hardness of her nipple against the palm of my hand. With each squeeze of her nipple Amy squeezed my cock. The feel of my big cock in her hand and my hand caressing her breast must have really excited her. Because the moans were louder and they were coming from deeper in her throat than before. I needed to get at those tits so I pulled her top off over her head. She let go of my cock just long enough to let me peel the cloth away. The sight of those pink upturned nipples caused my tool to throb even more and the ache was now spreading to my heavy balls. I pushed her down on the couch so that I now leaned over her. My lips brushed her neck as I made my way to her tits. Her hands were now in my hair guiding me to her hot nipples. Slowly I licked around her right breast making smaller and smaller circles leaving a wet trail with my tongue as I worked my way toward the first hard bud. Amy's moans grew louder and louder the closer I came to actually sucking it into my mouth. With my left hand I worked my way down across the smoothness of her abdomen. I worked my way under the elastic waistband searching for her love mound. When I felt the downy hair that covered the upper portion of her cunt I knew for sure that she wasn't wearing panties. As I sucked her nipple into my mouth I pushed my finger across her clit and into her cunt hole. Amy had been really hot because that was all it took to give her first orgasm of the night. But I knew that the night was still young and there was more to cum. I moved to her other breast giving it the same treatment and I continued to finger fuck that hot slippery tunnel. She moved her hips against the thrust of my finger saying, "Jim that feels sooooo goooood!" I got curious about how many fingers would fit in her cunt since she had been able to accommodate my big fat cock which is 7 1/2 inches long and 2 inches across (that's almost 6 inches around). So I inserted a second finger twisting my hand as I pushed it in. It was snug at first but she was able to relax her cunt mussels and with her juices flowing as they were I was able to finger fuck her as fast and hard as before. With each thrust of my hand Amy moaned, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" She pulled harder against my head forcing more of her tit into my mouth. I stabbed her nipple with my tongue forcing another moan from her lips. I felt her cunt grasp my fingers in another orgasm. I couldn't believe how tight she could make that hole. I knew that once my cock was buried to the root between those pink lips that I would again enjoy the fuck of my life. When Amy came down from that last orgasm she realized that my cock had not yet received the same satisfaction that her pussy had enjoyed. Getting up from the couch she pushed her shorts to the floor. Stepping out of them she said, "Lets go to my bedroom." I got a glimpse of the dark fur on her mound just before she turn toward her bedroom. I followed her to her bed watching the movement of her ass as she walked my cock throbbing like it never had before. Amy sat on the edge of the bed drawing me to her. She reached for my belt buckle and undid it. As she pulled down my zipper she said, "Let me see what you have hiding in here." Though this was not the first time she had seen my tool she gasped at the size of it. She began to stroke it back and forth pulling the foreskin off the head of my shaft. She squeezed my iron hard rod but her hand still didn't even go all the way around. I made fucking motions with my hips as she stroked the skin of my cock. Each time she slid her hand to the base grunting noises came from me. I knew I wouldn't be able to withstand much of this treatment. I said, "Baby, if you keep that up I'm going to cum all over your tits." She looked up at me with an impish grin and slid off the bed. My cock hit her right on the cheek. I couldn't believe what she was about to do. Most women would not have thought of attempting to suck my cock because of its size. Amy backed away just enough to allow her to slide her tongue around the head of my tool. I moaned and tried to push toward her mouth but her hand was at the root of my cock holding me back. She was enjoying the torture that she was putting me through. My cock throbbed in her hand and every time she licked that sensitive spot on the underneath side of my cock head it jump in response. She continued to tease me until I moaned, "Ohhhhh, Amy. Please suck my cock. My cock and balls hurt. I need to cum!" With that she open her mouth and her lips slid over the head of my cock. I almost came right then and there. I felt the cum boiling up out of my heavy balls. But I was able to hold it back. Amy lowered her head and more of my meat slipped into her small mouth. Her lips stretched as they reached the widest part of cock and she gaged a little as my dick head tickled the back of her throat. I have to give her a lot of credit very few women ever get past taking the head of my tool into their mouths and here she was going for the hole thing! She relaxed her throat and press her head even lower.

Damn! That was tight and she had about 6 inches of my meat going down her throat. I didn't get a chance to see if she could take all 7 1/2 inches of it. I lost it. My cum boiled out of my cock into her throat. She gaged at first, not expecting me to blow my load so soon, but she was able to swallow every spurt of my cum. My cock began to soften in her mouth but she had other ideas. She reached for my heavy balls and gently messaged them. First pulling, then gently squeezing, then rolling them around in my hair covered nut sack. With her other hand she stroked my tool and every so often she took all of it into her mouth and suck it increasing its size each time. I didn't give much hope for a quick recovery because it usually takes me a little time to get a second hardon. That's why I make sure that my lover gets at least a couple of good climaxes in before I shoot my load. Amy's hands and mouth worked magic. It didn't take but a few minutes of this treatment for my meat log to begin to harden. Of course I played with her tits all the time she was working on my cock. I realized that they were very sensitive and a guy who would give them a little extra attention could really get Amy's juices going. As soon as my cock was hard again she slid up on the bed spreading her legs so I could look directly into her honey hole. I'm no mind reader but any idiot could see that she wanted to be fucked. I wanted to screw that pussy more than anything but I had a different position in mind. I said, "Get down here and put your ass in the air. I'm going to fuck you like the bitch you are." She must have been in heat because I've never seen anyone move so fast. Her ass was in the air right in front of my big cock. I looked at her pussy and saw that her cunt lips were all puffy from her arousal and shiny from the honey that had dripped from it. I took hold of my tool and stroked it up and down the length of her slit from her anus to her clit pausing there each time to give it some extra attention. She purred and tried to push back onto my cock as it crossed her hole but I controlled the situation by pulling away as she moved her ass back toward my cock. I tease her for a long time. Her cunt juice covered my cock and dripped onto the bed. She began to whine with the want of penetration. She wanted her honey hole filled by my meat log. Amy moaned, "FUCK MEEEEEEEEEE! I WANT YOUR COCK!" So I put the head of my tool against her pink hole and pushed just the head into her. She held her breath thinking more was coming but I held back. When she realized what I was doing she tried to ram my cock deep by shoving her ass back at me but I knew what she was about to do and moved the same time she did. There we were with only the head of my dick still in her. She screamed, "I NEED THAT COCK! FUCK ME! SCREW MY BRAINS OUT!!!" I grasped her hips and eased another inch into her. It was hard to hold back but I wanted her to cum before all of my meat was buried to the root in her fuck hole. She thought that she was going to finally get what she wanted but instead of pushing more into her I pulled all but the tip out. She cried, "NOOOOOO... but just then I shoved 3 inches into her cunt. Even thought this was the second time I had fucked her I still couldn't get over how tight and hot she was. She tried for more and I allowed about half of my cock to slip in. I began to stroke in and out of her hole and watched how the lips of her pussy clung to my meat. Being pushed inward as I pushed in and stretched outward as I pulled away. She knew that I was giving her only half of my cock and begged me for all of it by whimpering, "More, please more. Give me all of iiiittttt." Finally even I couldn't take it any more. I pulled all but the tip of my hard shaft out of that hot juice dripping cunt. I increased my grip on her hips and rammed every inch of my throbbing aching tool into her fuck hole. She screamed as if in pain. I thought I had hurt her but then I felt her cunt squeeze my iron shaft. It was then that I realized that her scream was not because I had injured her but was because of the sweet pain of yet another orgasm. I didn't wait for her climax to subside but began fucking her in earnest. Stroking my cock all the way in and all the way out. Deep hard strokes my heavy balls slapping against the top of her cunt. My tool hitting bottom on every stroke. Getting animalistic grunts from her with every thrust. The cum began to boil in my balls and work its way to the base of my aching tool. I could hold it back no longer. Cum squirted from my cock. She felt it too. My mind detached itself from all my body except my cock. I became one huge tool filling her with my hot cum. I could feel the heat of my cum as it flowed around my cock oozing out of her full hole and onto my balls. The heat of my cum spurting into her forced her over the edge into another orgasm. We both collapsed onto her bed my cock still buried and her cunt still milking my meat for all it could get. We dozed for a while being awakened only by noise from a neighboring apartment. As much as I wanted to spend the night with her I had to leave. We both had work the next day and it wouldn't do for me to be seen leaving her apartment in the morning. We dressed and we gave each other a long knowing kiss good night. She took me back to my car. Amy, what a gal. If only I could share my tool with her one time outside of this fantasy world. It would be a dream cum true. In my fantasies we have many such times together. Got to go now. Writing this gave me another hardon which I will relieve while I think of Amy. Another story for another time. J.L. --