Tuesday, May 29, 2012

You need this information

Clean Jokes
Warnings on Alcohol Labels Like On Cigarettes:
Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. (not applicable to men)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
W ARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better-looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. (not applicable to men)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pass on to all your friends if you feel they may be in danger. (Make sure they're ones who drink, however.)
During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the reservists.
A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing 230ยบ and believe it to be a log."
Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately-reported log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last reported target, there are two seagulls on that log, which you failed to report!"
There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the chief radar man was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction to make, sir. One is a male and the other, a female.
Soon after their wedding, the bride tells the groom, "Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."
"But, honey," says the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."
"Yes," she replies, "That's exactly why I want you to fire her." 
There was a guy who had a gong mounted in his bedroom. One day he was showing some friends around the new apartment... sorta a housewarming, but it was not a house, if you get the idea.
One of the late guests, who asked what that was, he told, "It's my verbal alarm clock. WATCH!"
With that, he struck it with a hammer 'bout as hard as he could. The neighbor in the next apartment yelled out, "JESUS CHRIST! It's 1 AM!"
The tenant replied, to his guest, "SEE? IT WORKS! Every time!" –
Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine. This revolutionized commercial sales in 1924.
From that day on, he was known as 'Jack the Wrapper,' and he made a bundle!

One Liners and Questions

One Liners and Questions


Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day, so he put him in the barn. Jonesy said, "You stay here until you learn how to behave yourself!" Shortly afterwards it begin to rain, a real heavy downpour.
About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the farmer for a place to stay. The farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however, he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. "The bear would not bother you."
The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the farmer told him about the barn -- no lights and the tame bear. The second salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen. He was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear. The woman said, "I can take care of myself," and left for the barn.
Two hours later Jonesy was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there, her clothes torn and rumpled! The farmer asked, "Good heavens! What happened to you?"
The woman replied, "I give up on human nature! The first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks!" 


A young fellow on his wedding night in the Hotel Caribbean says to his new wife, "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major hissy fit, and throws him out of the room.
While he is sitting in the hall, another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened to you?" asks the first man.
"Well," replies the other, "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was, 'Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy ass!' Then she threw me out."
Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"
"No," answers the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"


                         
Once a Farmer and his daughter went to the Market on a Market Day to sell their products. They almost sold everything except for 5 Kgs. of Flour. While returning home when they were in the midst of the forest a band of robbers jumped in. Seeing them the Farmer's daughter quickly turned behind and hid the money in her bra and turned back. The robbers asked them to surrender whatever they had and could not find anything except for the 5 Kgs. of Flour and decided to take it. After the robbers left the farmer started wailing and crying for having lost everything. The daughter quickly removed the money from her bra and showed it to the Farmer. The Farmer was overjoyed and danced with joy. But after a moment he beat his head and repented crying saying " if I had brought your mother too, she would have hide the 5 Kgs. of Flour"

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! 

When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls. 

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING


Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
Post coital Bliss
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?

A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.



Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

Causes of Sciatica Pain and Sciatica Symptoms with Info On Sciatic Nerve Involvement

Causes of Sciatica Pain and Sciatica Symptoms with Info On Sciatic Nerve Involvement

Monday, May 21, 2012

Amateur Big Titty Puerto Rican ... - XVIDEOS.COM

Amateur Big Titty Puerto Rican ... - XVIDEOS.COM

ThatBitch Na$ty

ThatBitch Na$ty

I call this one splash waterfalls #wethead part 4 by @MadamSuperTits :P (MadamSuperTits) on Mobypicture

I call this one splash waterfalls #wethead part 4 by @MadamSuperTits :P (MadamSuperTits) on Mobypicture

Wet mouth #wethead part 2 by @MadamSuperTits :P (MadamSuperTits) on Mobypicture

Wet mouth #wethead part 2 by @MadamSuperTits :P (MadamSuperTits) on Mobypicture

Wet Head Part 1 by @MadamSuperTits :P (MadamSuperTits) on Mobypicture

Wet Head Part 1 by @MadamSuperTits :P (MadamSuperTits) on Mobypicture

@inHERribs wet head part 3 ;) by @MadamSuperTits :P (MadamSuperTits) on Mobypicture

@inHERribs wet head part 3 ;) by @MadamSuperTits :P (MadamSuperTits) on Mobypicture

Friday, May 11, 2012

A drunk goes into a bar

**A drunk goes into a bar. "Drinks for everyone, and one for you too." he says to the bartender. The bartender serves everyone, including himself. "That'll be fifty dollars, please."
" I don't have any money." says the drunk. The bartender takes him outside and beats him up.
The next day the drunk comes back. "Drinks for everyone, including the bartender." The bartender thinks to himself, 'he wouldn't be so stupid to do the same thing again -- he must have money this time,' so he serves the drinks. But when he asks him to pay, the drunk tells him that he doesn't have any money again. The bartender takes him outside and gives him a savage beating.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and tells the bartender to get a drink for everyone. "And not one for me tonight?" asks the bartender.
"Nah," says the drunk. "You get violent when you drink."

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Rules For The Black Cock Slut

THE LAWS FOR ALL NONE BLACK LADIES AND COUPLES.
>PLEASE READ CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU BOTHER TO REPLY:
>I AM INTERESTING IN MEETING ONLY NONE BLACK LADIES(single,divorced,
>married,unhappily married,widow,
>etc)and couples that indeed need to know,feel,love,etc the power of THE
>BLACK MAN POWERFUL DICK!!
>TO ANY MOTHER,DAUGHTER,SISTER,WIFE, FEMALE FRIENDS,GRANDMOTHER!!
>YOU MUST OPENLY OR SECRETLY WORSHIP THE POWER OF THE BLACK HOLY DICKS!
>1)YOU SHALL ONLY BE BREED WITH YOUR:
>a)BLACK MAN!
>b)BLACK LOVER!
>c)BLACK MASTER!
>2)YOU SHALL BE COVETED BY ALL BLACK MEN EAGERLY!
>3)YOU SHALL NOT GIVE YOURSELF TO ANY MAN BUT BLACK MEN.
>a)YOU SHALL NOT FUCK ANY WHITE MAN WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM YOUR BLACK MAN!
>4)YOU SHALL ALWAYS SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION TO BLACK MEN WITH ALL YOUR
>MIND,HEART,AND SOUL.
>5)YOU SHALL ALWAYS OPENLY WORSHIP THE HOLY BLACK DICK WITH NO SHAME OR
>GUILT.
>6)YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BRING OTHER WHITE LADIES(MOTHER,SISTER,DAUGHTER,
>FRIEND,ETC)TO YOUR BLACK MAN!
>7)YOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER MEN BUT BLACK MEN!
>8)YOU SHALL NOT AT ANY TIME WEAR PANTIES WITH BLACK MEN!
>9)YOU WILL ALLOW ALL BLACK MEN TO RIDE THY MOUTH,ASS,AND PUSSY BAREBACK!
>10)YOU SHALL REMEMBER THE SABBATH AND FUCK BLACK MEN TWICE.
>11)YOU SHALL HONOR THE BLACK MEN AT ALL TIMES WITH ALL THY
>MOUTH,PUSSY.ASS,AND WITH SINCERE LOVE.
>12)YOU SHALL LET THY HUBBY CLEANS YOU AFTER BEING WELL SEED BY THE BLACK
>MAN!
>13)YOU SHALL COMMIT ADULTERY AND FORNICATE WITH BLACK MEN AT ALL TIMES!
>14)YOU SHALL STEAL AWAY WITH BLACK MEN WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR HUBBY
>PERMISSIONS.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Sexy threesome with black and white chick

Sexy threesome with black and white chick

Milf in heels gets black guy to cum in her mouth

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Keep It Interesting


New Hardcore Positions
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2008 00:31:36 -0500

Before getting married, women face arguably the toughest question of their lives – are you ready to have sex with only one person for the rest of your life?
Most women think of the same thing – their sex lives are going to be boring, monotonous, and routine – like Jennifer Aniston  from Office Space in her sex scene with Lumbergh . "Umm, yeah, can you move a little over to the left.. umm, yeah." And just like that, you begin to envy your single friends' one-night stands.
But, if you think about it – what makes a one night stand exciting? I mean, they usually follow the same format – sloppy, drunk kissing, followed by sloppy groping, a few seconds of oral sex (read: sloppy), leading to the missionary sex position and sometimes the doggy style sex position too. Occasionally, someone might get hit with the shocker. But, in the end, one leaves as quietly and discreetly as possible, minimizing the number of words that have to be spoken, always feeling just a little dirty.
What makes it all worth it? Variety. Despite all the negatives, the sex is always new, always different, and while it may not be better, it might be the best!
However, done properly, sex in a long term relationship can introduce an entirely new dimension of pleasure and variety. There are hundreds of distinct sex positions, with literally thousands of variations. There are sex positions designed for him, each one hitting a different spot from a different angle. There are sex positions designed for him, each one giving him varying degrees of control of motion and penetration. There are sex positions that are perfect for angry sex, make up sex, morning breath sex, and closet and airplane bathroom sex too.
Sex Position Name - Cowboy
Description
She's on her back with her knees at her chest. He is kneeling, holding her legs apart and using her thighs for support, and controlling all motion.

Sex Position Name - Catapult
Description
He's seated with his legs outstretched, and she's straddling him, stomach down facing away from him. They both control the motion, him by moving waist, and her by using her hip

Blow Job Tips for the Insecure

Blow Job Tips for the Insecure

 

First of all, let me establish the most important aspect of giving a blow job -- confidence! A lot of women are self-conscious when it comes to giving head. While I can certainly understand being unsure of yourself, that's something you have to get over quickly in order to improve. Even if you're not the world's greatest, if he's getting a blowjob, he's pretty much already on Cloud 9. I'm not saying there's no wrong way to give head, because there is. I'm just saying that if his dick is in your mouth, for him, things are already off to a great start.

If you still feel unsure, tell your partner that you're nervous. Most guys will be not only understanding but turned on by what they'll see as your "innocence." They will be more than happy to guide you to what they like.

Also important is something that many people overlook -- position. Both partners have to be comfortable, which admittedly can be difficult at times. Also, the right position can give your man the perfect view of your handiwork. Here are a few positions that work for us:

1. He kneels on the bed or sits cross-legged, leaning back so I have plenty of access. I lay propped up on my side on the bed. This puts me in the perfect position in case he wants to finger me.

2. He sits on a low couch or chair and I sit on the floor, leaning into his legs to support myself.

3. He stands up and I kneel on a pillow.

4. He lays down (with his head propped with a pillow) and I lay between his legs with my arms propped up.

A few more somewhat silly things before you begin: Taking frequent breaks is not only a necessity for you (unless you enjoy lockjaw and chapped lips), it can also allow him to last longer and build up a more explosive orgasm. Don't feel bad if you need to stop -- just don't do it abruptly. Second, you may want to have what to me are a few sex "essentials" on hand: water/drink, lip balm, lube, and of course, a hair band to hold hair away from your face.

I like to start off by gently holding his cock in my hand (hard or not) and slowing kissing and licking just the head. The point is to establish to him that you love his cock would love nothing more than to give him a blowjob. At this point, you can also stroke him very, very gently. The lightest touch can feel really good as he's anticipating things getting more intense.

Before he starts to get too hard, I also like to put his entire cock in my mouth. My boyfriend's cock is quite large so this is often the only way he'll feel the whole thing in my mouth! Even if you can "deep throat" your boyfriend, he may still enjoy the sensation of having his cock in your mouth when it's soft.

As he gets harder, I stroke him with a little more pressure and continue licking, but this time going all the way up and down the shaft. The wetter this is, the better, so don't be afraid to slobber. Sounds gross, but it's true. Once he's gotten pretty hard, I move on to literally sucking his cock. Rather than just moving your mouth up and down his shaft, actually sucking on it (very gently at first) feels more intense for him. Another important tip is to try not to let his penis out of your mouth completely. As you pull him back out of your mouth, leave the head of his penis in and continue stroking and sucking until you go back down. Again, don't be too self-conscious. Sucking, slurping noises are a definite possibility, and trust me, most guys eat it up. Along those lines, also don't be afraid to do anything else that comes naturally, such as making noises or touching yourself. It turns guys on to know that sucking on his cock turns you on.

I mentioned earlier that my boyfriend's cock is big. I do deep throat him from time to time, but I have to adjust to it and I can't do much with his cock once it's in there! He generally likes it better when I have less in my mouth but can do more with it. I place my hand over the base of his shaft (the part my mouth isn't covering) and stroke him constantly whatever I'm doing to him with my mouth. So, just remember that you can still give good blowjobs even if you're not a sword swallower.

As I'm sucking him and stroking him, I continue to make things interesting with my tongue and hands. My tongue flicks the head of his penis as I suck it and swirls around his shaft as I suck up and down. With your hands, you can stroke his penis or do whatever he normally enjoys as far as balls and all that good stuff are concerned.

Here are a few more techniques we both like:

1. The "melting ice cream" method -- It's just how it sounds. I think I read it in a women's magazine and it really works! Just pretend like his cock is an ice cream cone and it's a hot summer day. It's melting fast and you've got to eat it all up. Then, just treat his cock exactly the way you would the ice cream. Another option here of course is to actually put whipped cream on his dick and then get every last drop off.

2. The "confused cock" method -- I made up the name, do you like it? We discovered this by accident but it drives him crazy. While sucking on his cock in one direction, I will gently stroke his cock the other direction, then switch. So, for example, I'll suck back gently on his cock while stroking it downwards towards his stomach, then switch, moving my mouth down towards his stomach and pulling my hand up on his cock toward my mouth.

3. "Vacuum" -- You got it - extreme sucking. My boyfriend likes to let me suck as hard as I can while he gently pulls back. Not every guy is this into having his cock pulled so don't do this with no warning.

When your partner is ready to come, hopefully he will let you know (or you'll be able to tell by his body language and sounds.) Girls have different feelings about cum. Some love it, some hate it, and some are indifferent. In my experience, it is worth it to me to swallow. For most guys it is an extreme turn-on; the perfect way to end the blow job. It only lasts a few seconds, so if the taste is unpleasant, you can just tough it out and then discreetly drink some water. However, don't force yourself to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you still want to provide a mega turn-on for your partner but don't want to swallow, there's a slightly less conventional option. As your partner is coming, take him out of your mouth and stroke him quickly (maintaining the same speed of your blowjob) and let him cum over your chest and stomach. Some people find this odd but to others it's a big turn-on. If you do want to do it, you might want to discuss it with your partner first just so he's not confused when the time comes.

Of course, this is what my partner and I enjoy and not everyone else will, but hopefully these ideas will help you break out of a blowjob rut or become more confident about giving head. Above all, get a partner who makes you feel confident and secure, and you'll feel brave enough to try anything that turns them on.

--
Life is like a penis,depending on how you play with it,depends on what you get out of it.

Susan