One Liners and Questions

One Liners and Questions

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day, so he put him in the barn. Jonesy said, "You stay here until you learn how to behave yourself!" Shortly afterwards it begin to rain, a real heavy downpour.
About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the farmer for a place to stay. The farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however, he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. "The bear would not bother you."
The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the farmer told him about the barn -- no lights and the tame bear. The second salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen. He was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear. The woman said, "I can take care of myself," and left for the barn.
Two hours later Jonesy was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there, her clothes torn and rumpled! The farmer asked, "Good heavens! What happened to you?"
The woman replied, "I give up on human nature! The first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks!" 

A young fellow on his wedding night in the Hotel Caribbean says to his new wife, "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major hissy fit, and throws him out of the room.

While he is sitting in the hall, another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened to you?" asks the first man.

"Well," replies the other, "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was, 'Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy ass!' Then she threw me out."

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No," answers the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

                         

Once a Farmer and his daughter went to the Market on a Market Day to sell their products. They almost sold everything except for 5 Kgs. of Flour. While returning home when they were in the midst of the forest a band of robbers jumped in. Seeing them the Farmer's daughter quickly turned behind and hid the money in her bra and turned back. The robbers asked them to surrender whatever they had and could not find anything except for the 5 Kgs. of Flour and decided to take it. After the robbers left the farmer started wailing and crying for having lost everything. The daughter quickly removed the money from her bra and showed it to the Farmer. The Farmer was overjoyed and danced with joy. But after a moment he beat his head and repented crying saying " if I had brought your mother too, she would have hide the 5 Kgs. of Flour"

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! 

When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls. 

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"

Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."

What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"

Post coital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?

A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

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Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.