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Clean Jokes

Warnings on Alcohol Labels Like On Cigarettes:
Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. (not applicable to men)
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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W ARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better-looking than most people.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. (not applicable to men)
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked..
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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
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Pass on to all your friends if you feel they may be in danger. (Make sure they're ones who drink, however.)

During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the reservists.

A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing 230º and believe it to be a log."

Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately-reported log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last reported target, there are two seagulls on that log, which you failed to report!"

There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the chief radar man was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction to make, sir. One is a male and the other, a female.

Soon after their wedding, the bride tells the groom, "Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."
"But, honey," says the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."
"Yes," she replies, "That's exactly why I want you to fire her." 

There was a guy who had a gong mounted in his bedroom. One day he was showing some friends around the new apartment... sorta a housewarming, but it was not a house, if you get the idea.

One of the late guests, who asked what that was, he told, "It's my verbal alarm clock. WATCH!"

With that, he struck it with a hammer 'bout as hard as he could. The neighbor in the next apartment yelled out, "JESUS CHRIST! It's 1 AM!"

The tenant replied, to his guest, "SEE? IT WORKS! Every time!" –

Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine. This revolutionized commercial sales in 1924.
From that day on, he was known as 'Jack the Wrapper,' and he made a bundle!