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Clean Jokes

Warnings on Alcohol Labels Like On Cigarettes:
Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. (not applicable to men)
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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W ARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better-looking than most people.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. (not applicable to men)
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked..
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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
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Pass on to all your friends if you feel they may be in danger. (Make sure they're ones who drink, however.)

During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the reservists.

A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing 230º and believe it to be a log."

Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately-reported log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last reported target, there are two seagulls on that log, which you failed to report!"

There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the chief radar man was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction to make, sir. One is a male and the other, a female.

Soon after their wedding, the bride tells the groom, "Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."
"But, honey," says the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."
"Yes," she replies, "That's exactly why I want you to fire her." 

There was a guy who had a gong mounted in his bedroom. One day he was showing some friends around the new apartment... sorta a housewarming, but it was not a house, if you get the idea.

One of the late guests, who asked what that was, he told, "It's my verbal alarm clock. WATCH!"

With that, he struck it with a hammer 'bout as hard as he could. The neighbor in the next apartment yelled out, "JESUS CHRIST! It's 1 AM!"

The tenant replied, to his guest, "SEE? IT WORKS! Every time!" –

Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine. This revolutionized commercial sales in 1924.
From that day on, he was known as 'Jack the Wrapper,' and he made a bundle!

One Liners and Questions

One Liners and Questions

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day, so he put him in the barn. Jonesy said, "You stay here until you learn how to behave yourself!" Shortly afterwards it begin to rain, a real heavy downpour.
About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the farmer for a place to stay. The farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however, he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. "The bear would not bother you."
The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the farmer told him about the barn -- no lights and the tame bear. The second salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen. He was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear. The woman said, "I can take care of myself," and left for the barn.
Two hours later Jonesy was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there, her clothes torn and rumpled! The farmer asked, "Good heavens! What happened to you?"
The woman replied, "I give up on human nature! The first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks!" 

A young fellow on his wedding night in the Hotel Caribbean says to his new wife, "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major hissy fit, and throws him out of the room.

While he is sitting in the hall, another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened to you?" asks the first man.

"Well," replies the other, "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was, 'Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy ass!' Then she threw me out."

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No," answers the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

                         

Once a Farmer and his daughter went to the Market on a Market Day to sell their products. They almost sold everything except for 5 Kgs. of Flour. While returning home when they were in the midst of the forest a band of robbers jumped in. Seeing them the Farmer's daughter quickly turned behind and hid the money in her bra and turned back. The robbers asked them to surrender whatever they had and could not find anything except for the 5 Kgs. of Flour and decided to take it. After the robbers left the farmer started wailing and crying for having lost everything. The daughter quickly removed the money from her bra and showed it to the Farmer. The Farmer was overjoyed and danced with joy. But after a moment he beat his head and repented crying saying " if I had brought your mother too, she would have hide the 5 Kgs. of Flour"

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! 

When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls. 

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"

Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."

What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"

Post coital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?

A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

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Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

Causes of Sciatica Pain and Sciatica Symptoms with Info On Sciatic Nerve Involvement

Causes of Sciatica Pain and Sciatica Symptoms with Info On Sciatic Nerve Involvement

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