Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Blowjob in car in public-My First Sex .net -- Free Porn Tube
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!
>
> OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!
>
> >Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
> >A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
> >Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> >A. A different bar.
> >Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
> >A. Sum Ting Wong.
> >Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
> >A. A speech impediment.
> >Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
> >A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
> >Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> >A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
> >Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> >A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
> >Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
> >A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
> >Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
> >A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
> >A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
> >Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
> >A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
> >Oh shut up and pass it on!
> OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!
>
> >Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
> >A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
> >Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> >A. A different bar.
> >Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
> >A. Sum Ting Wong.
> >Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
> >A. A speech impediment.
> >Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
> >A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
> >Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> >A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
> >Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> >A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
> >Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
> >A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
> >Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
> >A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
> >A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
> >Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
> >A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
> >Oh shut up and pass it on!
Theatre Sluts Flag Alerts
What are the flag alerts?
The Paris Theater will send out flag alert messages via the internet and, at
your option, by cell phone indicating the following:
Red Flag = Couple or couples at The Paris. Often there is a number next to the
flag to indicate how many couples are there.
Very Red Flag = Chances for theater action are very promising.
Green Flag = Couples looking for other couples and single women. It doesn't fly as often as a red flag, but when it does it means the action is hot, hot, hot!
Orange Flag = One or more single and, hopefully, adventurous ladies are in the
theater
Yellow Flag = Something different. TS TG CDs, etc. Lola's in the house. If you
don't mind a bulge on your woman and a little five o clock shadow, this is your
flag.
Bedroom Flag = There is activity in The Paris Theater “Bedroom”.
Personal Best Flag = A sexual adventure is underway. Someone, usually a hot woman, is trying for a personal best.
Exam Table Flag = Exam table action
Arena Flag = Action on the open table at the front of the theater.
There are sometimes flags for particular patron's too.
The Paris Theater will send out flag alert messages via the internet and, at
your option, by cell phone indicating the following:
Red Flag = Couple or couples at The Paris. Often there is a number next to the
flag to indicate how many couples are there.
Very Red Flag = Chances for theater action are very promising.
Green Flag = Couples looking for other couples and single women. It doesn't fly as often as a red flag, but when it does it means the action is hot, hot, hot!
Orange Flag = One or more single and, hopefully, adventurous ladies are in the
theater
Yellow Flag = Something different. TS TG CDs, etc. Lola's in the house. If you
don't mind a bulge on your woman and a little five o clock shadow, this is your
flag.
Bedroom Flag = There is activity in The Paris Theater “Bedroom”.
Personal Best Flag = A sexual adventure is underway. Someone, usually a hot woman, is trying for a personal best.
Exam Table Flag = Exam table action
Arena Flag = Action on the open table at the front of the theater.
There are sometimes flags for particular patron's too.
Adult Jokes VI
Porn Movie
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting," said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!”
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting," said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!”
Adult Jokes IV
Red Headed Babies
Where do red-headed babies come from?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be. Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this? How often do you have sex???"
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be. Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this? How often do you have sex???"
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.... "It's rust!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is COLD
It's so cold that Shania Twain covered her midriff.
It's cold enough to freeze the nuts off the Guy Lombardo bridge!
I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
It's so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post.
It's so cold refrigerators are redundant.
It's so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins.
It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
It's so cold you light a candle and the flame freezes.
It's so cold your shadow freezes to the sidewalk.
It's so cold you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
It's so cold you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
It's so cold your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
It's so cold police tell a robber to freeze, and he does.
It's so cold that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own wife in order to keep warm.
It was so cold that the Statue of Liberty put the torch INSIDE her dress.
It was so cold the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
It's so cold our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
It's so cold people look forward to getting a fever.
It's so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
It's so cold igloos come with a lifetime guarantee.
It's so cold you bake a cake, set it out to cool, 10 minute later it's frosted.
It's so cold the fire department advises you to set your house on fire.
It's so cold the prisoners were BEGGING for the electric chair!
It's so cold people were flicking their Bics in their POCKETS!
It's so cold this morning that I saw one dog jump starting another dog.
It's so cold my balls have became ovaries.
It's so cold you'd have to jump start a reindeer.
It's so cold I saw a squirrel burying Sterno!
It's so cold when you opened the door to the house the small light in front went on!
It's so cold when I put on my coat to take out the garbage it didn't want to go!
It's so cold my wife made a pot of coffee. She set it outside to cool and it froze so fast the ice was warm.
It's so cold that if my thermometer had been an inch longer, I would have frozen to death.
It's so cold the fire hydrant is begging a dog to pee on it.
It's so cold the snowman begs you to take him inside at night.
It's so cold the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.
It's cold enough to freeze the nuts off the Guy Lombardo bridge!
I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
It's so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post.
It's so cold refrigerators are redundant.
It's so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins.
It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
It's so cold you light a candle and the flame freezes.
It's so cold your shadow freezes to the sidewalk.
It's so cold you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
It's so cold you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
It's so cold your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
It's so cold police tell a robber to freeze, and he does.
It's so cold that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own wife in order to keep warm.
It was so cold that the Statue of Liberty put the torch INSIDE her dress.
It was so cold the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
It's so cold our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
It's so cold people look forward to getting a fever.
It's so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
It's so cold igloos come with a lifetime guarantee.
It's so cold you bake a cake, set it out to cool, 10 minute later it's frosted.
It's so cold the fire department advises you to set your house on fire.
It's so cold the prisoners were BEGGING for the electric chair!
It's so cold people were flicking their Bics in their POCKETS!
It's so cold this morning that I saw one dog jump starting another dog.
It's so cold my balls have became ovaries.
It's so cold you'd have to jump start a reindeer.
It's so cold I saw a squirrel burying Sterno!
It's so cold when you opened the door to the house the small light in front went on!
It's so cold when I put on my coat to take out the garbage it didn't want to go!
It's so cold my wife made a pot of coffee. She set it outside to cool and it froze so fast the ice was warm.
It's so cold that if my thermometer had been an inch longer, I would have frozen to death.
It's so cold the fire hydrant is begging a dog to pee on it.
It's so cold the snowman begs you to take him inside at night.
It's so cold the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The German Tourist
This German tourist was on a bus tour of Costilla during the summer that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior surprised him. "OH! I am soo sorry!"
"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?"
A nun asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind...?"
"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really excited. Who could say that a nun had tossed you off?
"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested.
The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened, and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!"
"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?"
A nun asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind...?"
"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really excited. Who could say that a nun had tossed you off?
"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested.
The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened, and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!"
Adult Jokes III
Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?" I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?
_________________________________________________________________________________
Pick up Lines: You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.
_________________________________________________________________________________
A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency. He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again. There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."
_________________________________________________________________________________
What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
After the first year they are only given on special occasions.
__________________________________________________________________________________
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know, with separate parts you put together?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
__________________________________________________________________________________
You won't believe this, my date unzipped his pants, pulled out his erection, and asked me, "Do you want some of this?" So I said, "No, thanks anyway, but you go ahead. You really don't have enough to share!"
__________________________________________________________________________________
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 45th wedding anniversary. The husband decided to give his wife a gift -- a tombstone, with the inscription: "HERE LIES MY WIFE COLD AS EVER" later, the furious wife, giving homage to her husband's reliance on the little blue bill, bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "HERE LIES MY HUSBAND STIFF AT LAST!"
__________________________________________________________________________________
The exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his desk and allow him to have sex with her. "And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when he finally arrived home. "Down at the office," he replied. "Working like a dog."
__________________________________________________________________
Over the Railing
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I Fuck, too!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and let her go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limericks
There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man from Nantucket
With a dick so long he could suck it.
While doing his wife,
he folded it twice,
so that when he was coming, he went.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man from Nantucket
With a dick so long he could suck it.
While doing his wife,
he folded it twice,
so that when he was coming, he went.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old couple named Kelly
Who went through life belly to belly
For it seems in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a man from Boston
who bought himself an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.
who bought himself an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Jokes II
Renault and Ford Joint Venture
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes only in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it — let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach ‘collector’ status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach ‘collector’ status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
_________________________________________________________________
Shorts
Did you ever wonder why most men have trouble playing football with women? They have a concentration problem. [open attachment to see how it works]
_________________________________________________________________________________
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?" Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's. Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds!"
_________________________________________________________________________________
When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up north, had become a lady of the evening, they were stunned and shocked. "Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of our kinfolk having to work for a living!"
_________________________________________________________________________________
Pick up Lines: Hi, my name is Roger. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight.
_________________________________________________________________________________
A woman asked the Doctor, "What is a good time for sex?" Doctor winked and said, "Between 12PM and 1PM." Surprised woman asked, "And how it is that, Doctor?" Doctor said, "Well, that is the time, my nurse goes to lunch."
__________________________________________________________________________________
Nudist camp: A place where men and women air their differences, bare with each other, live life in the raw greet each dawn as a nude day, and are all together in the altogether. To join, just leave your name and dress.
__________________________________________________________________________________
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in this day and age. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking c hair... I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?" He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' screw." I said, "What do you hunt?" He said, "Somethin' to screw."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two gays and two lesbians are fleeing the country. Which pair is going to make it out first? The two gays, they already have their shit packed.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.
__________________________________________________________________
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.” The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”
__________________________________________________________________
"I never slept with a man until I married your father," said the stern mother to her wild daughter. "Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?" "Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."
__________________________________________________________________________________
Confucius says man with diarrhea in Las Vegas likes craps.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she asked her Aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend." "Swallow," her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."
__________________________________________________________________________________
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Adult Jokes
Young Chinese Newlyweds
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and they are both waiters at the same restaurant. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Wha u want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shorts
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he consulted the host [a buddy] about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife." "Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff."
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I
have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
Last time Bill was in the hospital, he really enjoyed himself: Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses, offering to show them his circumcision scar, and the like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of his crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should be living in a brothel!" Bill grinned at her and said, "Well, it would be cheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to pay for it."
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size
extra-large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
extra-large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Cunnilingus is called eating while fellatio is a blow job because the terms were invented by a woman to make the one sound enjoyable and the other like work.
A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true. He came back to the office contented and relieved. His co-worker asked him how it went. "Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend. In fact I don't even know him!"
The best thing to do when your girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills is to give her a good tongue-lashing.
Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. " Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Pick up Line: If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Making the rounds of the maternity ward, a visiting obstetrician pointed to a child who was smaller and more fragile than the rest. "What's wrong with that one?" he asked the head nurse. "Nothing, doctor," she replied. "He's a test-tube baby, and they tend to be smaller than others." "It just goes to show," the obstetrician said sagely, "spare the rod and spoil the child."
Raggedy Ann was thrown out of the toy box for sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up north, had become a lady of the evening, they were stunned and shocked. "Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of our kinfolk having to work for a living!"
Secretary - A stenographer who watches her periods.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either," he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce. There was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual thingsthat lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality? " "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality. He's a bum lay!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night," he asked his oldest son.
"I was at the library."
The robot slaps son.
"Ok I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie, 'Toy story'."
Robot slaps son.
"Ok it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limericks
A guy with his girl in a Fiat
Said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek
She let out a shriek
"THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!"
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A naughty old lady of Spain
Decided she'd have to abstain
But plugging the entry
That favoured the gentry
Excited the lady again!
Decided she'd have to abstain
But plugging the entry
That favoured the gentry
Excited the lady again!
There was a young man named Snodrass,
whose balls were made out of brass.
He knocked them together
and sang "Stormy Weather",
while lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a Singles’ Bar
Strolling through the singles' bar, the rich dude spotted a lovely young woman sitting alone at a table, and walked over. He said, "Say, babe, how about coming along and giving me a little head?"
The woman looked up. "That'll be the day."
Undaunted (he was used to rejection), Bill said, "Well then, how about coming to my apartment and screwing like rabbits?"
Snickering, the woman said, "That'll be the day!"
"Okay," he said. "How about taking my limo to my private jet, flying to Tahiti, and spending the weekend on my private beach?"
The woman looked up and smiled at him, saying, "THIS'LL be the day!"
The woman looked up. "That'll be the day."
Undaunted (he was used to rejection), Bill said, "Well then, how about coming to my apartment and screwing like rabbits?"
Snickering, the woman said, "That'll be the day!"
"Okay," he said. "How about taking my limo to my private jet, flying to Tahiti, and spending the weekend on my private beach?"
The woman looked up and smiled at him, saying, "THIS'LL be the day!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Migraines
A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blow-Up Doll
This guy is really into blow up dolls and calls his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina'. She's expensive but so realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one.
Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll. Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
Supplier, "Realistic then?"
Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Signs He Wants to Get Laid
1. Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.
2. When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he
solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then
laughs until he cries.
solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then
laughs until he cries.
3. You note that integrity is so important in a man, he replies that what he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."
4. He whispers," you're beautiful," to your thighs, then
glances up at your face and says, "oh you, too."
glances up at your face and says, "oh you, too."
5. When you comment on the rarity of men these days who
seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.
seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.
6. In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."
7. Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the
first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.
first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.
8. When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."
.9 When you proudly recount your glorious high school
valedictory speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."
valedictory speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."
10. When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at
your breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"
your breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
No Comparrison
5 Catholics
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square , Rome .
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say,
"My God!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
