Adult Jokes III

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?" I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

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Pick up Lines: You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise. 

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A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency. He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again. There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."

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What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?

After the first year they are only given on special occasions.

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A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know, with separate parts you put together?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

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You won't believe this, my date unzipped his pants, pulled out his erection, and asked me, "Do you want some of this?" So I said, "No, thanks anyway, but you go ahead. You really don't have enough to share!"

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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 45th wedding anniversary. The husband decided to give his wife a gift -- a tombstone, with the inscription: "HERE LIES MY WIFE COLD AS EVER" later, the furious wife, giving homage to her husband's reliance on the little blue bill, bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "HERE LIES MY HUSBAND STIFF AT LAST!"

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The exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his desk and allow him to have sex with her. "And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when he finally arrived home. "Down at the office," he replied. "Working like a dog."

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 Over the Railing

 

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.  

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

 As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.

 

As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I Fuck, too!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and let her go.

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 Limericks

 

There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
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There once was a man from Nantucket
With a dick so long he could suck it.
While doing his wife,
he folded it twice,
so that when he was coming, he went.
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There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."
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There was an old couple named Kelly
Who went through life belly to belly
For it seems in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

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There was a man from Boston
who bought himself an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.

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