Adult Jokes

Young Chinese Newlyweds

 

 

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and they are both waiters at the same restaurant. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Wha u want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shorts

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.  "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."  "Why's that?"  "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he consulted the host [a buddy] about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife."  "Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff."

 

 

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. 

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I
have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

Last time Bill was in the hospital, he really enjoyed himself: Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses, offering to show them his circumcision scar, and the like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of his crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should be living in a brothel!" Bill grinned at her and said, "Well, it would be cheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to pay for it."

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

 

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

 

 

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size
extra-large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

 

 

 

Cunnilingus is called eating while fellatio is a blow job because the terms were invented by a woman to make the one sound enjoyable and the other like work.

 

 

 

A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true. He came back to the office contented and relieved. His co-worker asked him how it went. "Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend. In fact I don't even know him!"

 

 

 

The best thing to do when your girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills is to give her a good tongue-lashing.

 

 

Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.

 

 

 

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. " Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."

 

 

Pick up Line: If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts? 

 

 

Making the rounds of the maternity ward, a visiting obstetrician pointed to a child who was smaller and more fragile than the rest. "What's wrong with that one?" he asked the head nurse. "Nothing, doctor," she replied. "He's a test-tube baby, and they tend to be smaller than others." "It just goes to show," the obstetrician said sagely, "spare the rod and spoil the child."

 

 

Raggedy Ann was thrown out of the toy box for sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

 

 

 

When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up north, had become a lady of the evening, they were stunned and shocked. "Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of our kinfolk having to work for a living!"

 

 

Secretary - A stenographer who watches her periods.  

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either," he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce. There was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual thingsthat lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality? " "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality. He's a bum lay!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Lie Detecting Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper.

"Where were you last night," he asked his oldest son.

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps son.

"Ok I was at a friend's house."

"Doing what?" asked the father.

"Watching a movie, 'Toy story'."

Robot slaps son.

"Ok it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Limericks

A guy with his girl in a Fiat
Said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek
She let out a shriek
"THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!"

 

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

A naughty old lady of Spain
Decided she'd have to abstain
But plugging the entry
That favoured the gentry
Excited the lady again!

There was a young man named Snodrass,
whose balls were made out of brass.
He knocked them together
and sang "Stormy Weather",
while lightning shot out of his ass.

There was a young man named Ringer,

Who was seducing a beautiful singer.

He said with a grin,

"I've now rammed it in!"

She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a Singles’ Bar

 

 

Strolling through the singles' bar, the rich dude spotted a lovely young woman sitting alone at a table, and walked over.  He said, "Say, babe, how about coming along and giving me a little head?"

The woman looked up. "That'll be the day." 

Undaunted (he was used to rejection), Bill said, "Well then, how about coming to my apartment and screwing like rabbits?"

Snickering, the woman said, "That'll be the day!"

"Okay," he said. "How about taking my limo to my private jet, flying to Tahiti, and spending the weekend on my private beach?"

The woman looked up and smiled at him, saying, "THIS'LL be the day!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Migraines

 

 

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

 

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

 

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

 

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

 

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

 

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blow-Up Doll

 

 

This guy is really into blow up dolls and calls his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.

 

 The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina'. She's expensive but so realistic you can't tell the difference!"

The guy orders one.

Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll. Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."

Supplier, "That's great!"

Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."

Supplier, "Realistic then?"

Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten Signs He Wants to Get Laid

 

 

1.  Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.

 

2.  When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he
solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then
laughs until he cries.

 

3.  You note that integrity is so important in a man, he replies that what he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

4.  He whispers," you're beautiful," to your thighs, then
glances up at your face and says, "oh you, too."

 

5.  When you comment on the rarity of men these days who
seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

 

 

6.  In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."

7.   Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the
first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own  a paper-towel rod.

 

8.  When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

 

.9  When you proudly recount your glorious high school
valedictory speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."

10.  When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at
your breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"